Jesse woke up in his dorm at Dorkdom HQ. He got out of bed and got dressed, which he hated doing, and went into Jake's room, where he found Jake watching Pulp Fiction.
"Hey Jake, you know who's cooler than us?"
"No one," Jake replied.
At the same time, both boys said, "'CUZ WE'RE AWESOME!"
Jesse continued, "Yah, but that’s not why I woke up. I really woke up to tell you a joke and something kewl. Ok, what do you get when you cross a Catholic with a Protestant, other than years of war and angry hatred-filled bloodshed?"
Jake rolled his eyes. "I don't know, what do you get?"
"A BI-SECT-TUAL! GET IT! HA!!!"
Jake, "Wow, you know who's funnier than you? No one, cuz you're HILARIOUS!"
Jesse answered him, "I know, right? Anyways, the kewl thing is that today marks the start of the intergalactic racquetball extravaganza!"
"The I.R.E. starts today? Holy digging-myself-into-a-hole-with-poorly-timed-asian-jokes-about-my-girlfriend-Batman! Oh my god, I LOVE Batman, he's so cool and he's all like 'I'm Batman, SWEAR TO ME!'"
Annoyed, Jesse shot at him, "Ok A.D.D. Anyways, that means that we can both enter and play all the way through the sacred tournament and if we're lucky, or in my case, excellent at racquetball, we can have a chance to win the mystical Lightracquet!"
Jake asked, "Isn't that the racquetball racquet that's made of the same kewl energy stuff as a lightsaber and it lets you cut through walls and deflect lasers but doesn't hurt rubber at all so that you can still play racquetball?"
"Yes. Yes it is."
"Squee! Why in the all-i-am-willing-to-make-for-my-girlfriend-is-frozen-pizza-and-frozen-chicken-nuggets hell aren't we at the intergalactic racquetball court signing up to play?"
"Well," Jesse explained, "you just got your license and you don't know how to get to the intergalactic racquetball court yet, because I haven't taken you there to beat you yet, cuz I always beat you at racquetball."
"Oh, that makes sense. Dick," Jake shot back.
"Dick?" Jesse asked. "That reminds me, why did the racquetball cross the court? To hit you in the GODDAMN FACE! HA! GET IT?"
"Oh my god," Jake rolled his eyes again. "I'll drive to the court, but I don't have any gas."
Jesse looked at him, obviously annoyed. Then he said, "I'll drive, the truck has gas in it. Which reminds me, what do you call a fat guy who has just eaten Mexican food?"
Jake smirked and then said, "You?"
Not noticing, Jesse said, "A gas giant! GET IT! IT'S A KIND OF PLANET BUT I SAID IT'S A FAT GUY! HA!!"
Jake blinked twice. "Why are you using so many exclamation points when you talk?" he asked.
Jesse blinked thrice. "I don't know, it seems to be a trend in this league."
They both blinked four times and then broke the fourth wall and looked directly through the camera at the audience with a confused look.
**a short time later**
Jake and Jesse walked into the meeting room of the headquarters.
Jesse said, "Two guys walk into a headquarters of the league of Dorkdom and say, 'Hey. What are you guys doing?' to everyone there."
Jaccie smiled and said "Hi, love."
Brinn glared at him and said, "I hate Les Mis."
Christy looked up expectantly, saw Jake, blinked twice, and returned to what she was doing. Then Jake went over and got all kissy on her.
Mylinh yelled from upstairs, "I'm still online. I found a great site with pictures of fish!"
King Matt said, "You guys are late."
Jesse and Jake said, "We're sorry."
King Matt said, "Don't let it happen again."
Jaccie said, "Do you even KNOW Jake and Jesse?"
Tony the Tiger said, "They're GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!"
Jaccie's robotic eye glowed red and made high pitched rev-ing noise. The cybergirl shot a beam of light from her mechanical eye socket and the tiger in the blue bandana began to disintegrate.
He moaned, "With my last breath, I curse Count Choculaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" With that, he was gone.
Someone cleared their throat.
"Anyways," said King Matt, "Why are you guys late?"
Jake answered, "Because we were having se.......sleeping in separate beds."
Christy rolled her eyes.
(At this point, all the eyes in the room started doing stretches to prepare for the rolling that they knew they would have to do throughout the course of the story.)
King Matt continued the meeting. "Ok, so seriously. The purpose of this meeting is to decide what our cool kick-ass superhero names will be."
"Kick ass!" said Jesse. "We should all get names that are like really kewl but somehow related to what our powers are!"
Brinn looked at him and said sarcastically, "Yeah, cuz no one else in the superhero world has ever used that method to come up with a name before!"
Christy asked, "Hey, how come whenever Jesse or Jake says "cool" it's spelled k-e-w-l but whenever anyone else says it, it's spelled c-o-o-l?"
Everyone blinked twice. As they sat blinking, no one noticed the slight distortion in space-time where a cloaked scrap had slipped into the headquarters through......oh I dunno, let's say......a vent. The invisible little bastard took note of which dorks were in the meeting room and which were not. It noted that Mylinh was upstairs searching the internet, which was just what it wanted. It proceeded through some....vents.....and into the room where Mylinh sat silhouetted by her monitor's warm glow.
Jaccie developed a facial tick and was all, "Did anyone else feel that?"
They all looked around puzzled. Apparently, nobody else feeled that. Then, King Matt began to tell everyone the schedule for the day.
Jesse and Jake stood up at the same time and both said simultaneously, "WAIT!"
"What is it now boys," asked King Matt.
"We can't do the laundry today," Jake said.
"Yah, no we can't. We have to go to the Intergalactic Racquetball Extravaganza today so that I can kick Jake’s ass and win myself the mystical Lightracquet. Otherwise we would do it. But, yah, we can't."
Matt sighed. "OKay fine."
The Boys (as Jake and Jesse were called when they teamed up, as opposed to Jaccie and Christy who were The Girls, but that's off-topic) looked at each other and then smiled and then hugged each other. They each pulled away form each other after a second, and were all nervous.
Jesse was all "I mean, uh, Broncos, and, football, man, I'm not gay."
Jake was all, "Yah, me neither."
Brinn grinned (he he, that rhymes) and was all, "I can fix that."
Jaccie's eye laser pulsed once as she looked across the table at the telefairy.
They engaged in a glare-off. Jesse and Jake stood up from the table, kissed their respective girlfriends, and left.
**Meanwhile, outside at the car**
Jake looked at Jesse and was all, "So what if there's like some huge attack on headquarters while we're gone and we can't help the dorks fight?"
Jesse looked at him. "Um, maybe you don't remember, today it's our turn to do the laundry."
"Oh yeah...Let's go." Jake answered him.
The Boys got in the car and began driving to the intergalactic racquetball court, which, interestingly enough, is out by Lake Loveland.
**Meanwhile, in Mylinh's room**
The cloaked iScrap had made its way into the wall inside of Mylinh's dorm. It activated its search program, analyzing the wiring that ran through the wall all around its crazy little mechanical self. It located the cable which lead from the wall into Mylinh's cable modem. It initiated its Insertion program. Two small tubules emerged from the clutter that was the mini monster's body. They inserted themselves into Mylinh's cable modem and began transmitting.
Mylinh squinted and looked closer at the screen when it glitched momentarily. As she brought her face closer to the glass, she noticed that the image on her monitor was shaKing ever so slightly. "Huh, that's weird." She decided to continue her work. She was busy trying to find some way to upgrade the HQ's defenses against the Fakes and iScraps.
**Elsewhere, at the I.R.E.**
"Holy make-a-bad-joke-about-my-girlfriend-and-then-try-to-fix-it-with-a-kiss-on-the-cheek! Me and you are going to the final round," Jake said to Jesse.
Jesse was all, "I know, right! That's awesome. Now I can finally win the mystical Lightracquet!"
"Uh," said Jake, "You have to beat me first to win it." Jesse looked at Jake and blinked twice. "Shut up," Jake shot.
With that, the Boys entered the Final Round of the I.R.E. with everyone there, which interestingly enough was like three people, two of which were blind, watching intently.
The battle for ultimate racquetball supremacy began.
**Back at HQ*
Christy was in her dorm writing HTML for some website that she didn't really care about, when she realized that no one had seen Mylinh in quite some time. While this was not unusual due to her high-speed internet connection, something just didn't feel right. She decided to go check it out. As she walked down the hallway to Mylinh's dorm, she began to hear strange noises, like old radio broadcast waves. As she entered the room, she was bathed in a blue glow. Frightened, she looked around frantically. She found her friend floating above her computer chair.
"Hey floating Mylinh, I was just coming to..." she stopped. "Wait a minute, floating Mylinh?" She began to say something else but was cut off by a large laser blast from Mylinh's now blue glowing eyes. "OKay," said Christy, "Now there's something new." With that, she ran out of Mylinh's dorm screaming. She ran down the hall and around the corner to the situation room. She immediately logged on to HQ's intercom/vidcom system and issued an emergency meeting protocol. "All Dorks, please report to the situation room at once. Repeat, report to the situation room at once, this is not a drill."
As everyone arrived in the situation room, Sarah Kay asked, "So what's the difference between this and the meeting room?"
Christy frantically said, "I don't know, ask Jesse when he gets back. Right now we have a major situation on our hands. Hence the meeting in the situation room."
Sarah Kay started, "But if we're having a meeting, shouldn't we be in the..." she was cut off by King Matt.
"Enough! Christy, explain the situation, everyone else, stop asKing questions and listen up." Everyone nodded.
"OKay," Christy began, "So I went into Mylinh's dorm to see what she was up to, and instead of surfing the internet, she was all floaty and laser shooty and blue glowy eye...y. I tried to find out was going on, but she tried to make me dead with her crazy eye lasers."
King Matt said, "This is indeed a situation. It's a good thing that you assembled everyone in the situation room. In here we can pull up a schematic of HQ and track Mylinh's movements throughout the base. We have to assume that she has been possessed by super powerful fake and that she needs help.
Jaccie's computer brain thought about that logic for a millisecond. Then she asked, "Wait a minute, why do we have to assume that?"
"Because," King Matt explained, "That's all that ever happens to us! You got a better idea about what's going on."
Jaccie smiled. "Yes, I do. Wanna know what it is?"
Brinn read her thoguths and then rolled his eyes and said, "That won't work." She glared at him.
Brinn said, "Let's try my idea instead, since it is perfect. Remember earlier when I was all, 'Did anyone else feel that?' but no one did? Well, I've been analyzing the data that the base's sensors collected on that situation.
Christy asked, "Wait, our base has sensors? Since when?"
Brinn explained, "Well, when the base was being built, Jesse decided that it would be cool to install sensors, mostly cuz he's a huge nerd. Anyways, I believe that an intruder has entered our base with some sort of cloaKing device maKing him invisible to us. After analyzing the subspace distortion and the tachyon emissions that I got from the sensors, I have concluded that it was a cloaked iScrap."
Everyone blinked. "Um," asked Christy, "How did you.."
"Oh," Brinn interrupted, "Once I had acquired my cool new powers of telepathy, I browsed everyone's mind for information that I thought might be useful one day. I asked Jesse is he had any knowledge that he thought was exceedingly important. He told me to just take all the information he had about Star Trek. He figured that since some of our technology is a bit futuristic, then maybe Star Trek had something to offer. I tell you, that boy seriously needs a new hobby. Anyways, they always have some kind of cloaKing device in that show, and I just used the same method that they used to figure out what was going on."
"But that would require vast amounts of knowledge on theoretical physics and subspace reactions," Sarah Kay pointed out.
"Look," answered Brinn, "He's a serious Trekkie, oKay. I don't think any of realizes how big of a nerd he really is."
Everyone looked around. When no one else could come up with a better explanation, King Matt asked, "OKay, so how what's wrong with Mylinh?"
Brinn thought for a moment. Then he smiled and was all, "Well, King Matt, your prior assessment was not totally incorrect. I think that Mylinh is being controlled, but not by a fake. I think that the iScrap that infiltrated the base must have somehow hacked into Mylinh's computer and is somehow transmitting a crazy hypnotism signal through it directly to her. That would explain why she attacked Christy."
King Matt nodded. "OKay, so the next question is how we help Mylinh."
Brinn said, "We could sing Phantom of the Opera until she realizes how great it is and then gets such a strong urge to go see it that she disconnects herself from the computer."
Everyone looked at Brinn. Then King Matt said, "Any other ideas?" Brinn glared at everyone and began thinKing about Gerard Butler.
Sarah Kay asked, "Brinn, does Star Trek have anything to say about this?"
Brinn thought about Gerard Butler some more. Then he thought for a moment and said, "Well, no, but based on some of the episodes, I think I have a strategy. First, we have to distract Mylinh. Then, we have to somehow disrupt the hypnosis signal. Then we have to locate and destroy the cloaked iScrap."
Brinn looked puzzled and asked, "How do we kill it if we can't see it?"
Jaccie answered, "Well, I could modify my robotic eye sensors to detect the subspace distortion that the little bastard should be emitting. I don't really know how to distract Mylinh or disrupt the signal though."
Sarah Kay asked, "If you can see the iScrap, then why don't you just kill it?"
"Because," Brinn explained, "If we do that while Mylinh is still connected to it, then she will die too. Which is bad."
Christy said, "Yah, it's good to keep friends from dying."
King Matt said, "So we need to distract her long enough to disrupt the signal and then kill that iNtruder. Any ideas on how to distract her?"
"I could project distracting images into her mind with telepathy," offered Brinn.
"Excellent," said King Matt, "but how do we disrupt the signal?"
Sarah Kay answered, "Well, we could destroy the cable that is connecting the iScrap to Mylinh's computer."
King Matt looked at his leaguers. They had come with a plan so quickly. He was all proud and stuff. "OKay," he said, "It sounds like a plan. Let's go."
They all made their way silently down the hall and around the corner to Mylinh's dorm. When the opened the door, they were greeted by an eerie blue light. They all stood in the hallway just outside of Mylinh's doorway. Jaccie activated her X-Ray vision. "Alright," she said, "Mylinh is still at her computer. I don't think that she will attack us until we enter the room."
King Matt leaned over to Brinn and said, "Are you ready with those distracting images?"
Brinn nodded. "I've got that creepy little girl from The Exorcist, naked Kubichek, and one of those Punch-Me Clowns rocKing back and forth."
Everyone twitched. "Very distracting," observed Christy.
Jaccie said, "Switching on subspace distortion detection sensors."
King Matt said, "Brinn, once you have distracted Mylinh, tell Jaccie. Jaccie, once you have located the iScrap, tell Sarah Kay and me. Then we will destroy the cable connecting the iScrap to the computer. After that, you blow that hunk of junk into oblivion.
Jaccie nodded. "Little shit won't know what hit it."
Everyone took a deep breath.
As soon as they stepped into Mylinh's dorm, she began firing lasers at them. King Matt deflected the shots with his Pocky Sword while Brinn began his mission of distraction. As he began to project the images, Mylinh turned her badass floaty attention away from King Matt and toward her psychic attacker.
"SNIPERS!" Brinn yelled to Jaccie. "I mean, NOW!"
Jaccie scanned the walls for the iScrap. She stopped when she noticed that part of the wall seemed to fold in on itself. "Got 'im! Destroy the cable!"
King Matt and Mylinh ran over the cable. Just as King Matt was about to bring his Pocky Sword down on the nefarious cable, he was hit in the shoulder with one of Mylinh's stray laser blasts. He fell to the ground. Sarah Kay ran to him. "Are you ok?"
"Yes, I'm fine. But we have failed. There is no way to save Mylinh now. We will probably not make it," King Matt said, losing consciousness.
"No," said Sarah Kay softly as she stood up from the fallen King's body. "We will not fail." She turned and ran to the cable of doom. When she reached it, she realized that she had no plan about what to do.
"Hurry!" Jaccie screamed.
Sarah Kay looked at the cable. She concentrated all of her anger at it. Without thinKing, she lifted her hands and pointed them at the object of her fury. Suddenly, a thin beam of fire shot from Sarah Kay's hands at the cable. Stunned, she watched as the beam began to cut through the cable. She concentrated even harder. The cable was almost cut! Just before she succeeded, everything in the room froze, and the fire dissipated form her hands, leaving the cable barely intact. She was still able to move her eyes. She looked around and saw that Mylinh was floating around and shooting the other leaguers one by one. For some reason, however, she was shooting them all in the shoulder, not enough to kill them. It didn't Matter though, they had failed, and this would be then end of the League of Dorkdom.
As she thought about her life and how it was about to end, the room changed from the glowing blue to a creepy purple glow. She had just enough time to look to the door of Mylinh's dorm to see a figure clad in blue with some sort of weapon in its hand. There was also a blur flying through the room. Then she was hit in the shoulder and lost consciousness.
Jaccie, however, had not yet lost consciousness. She too had noticed the blue figure and the blur. There was something familiar about this strange new arrival, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She noticed that the blur was racing about the room to all of the leaguers and removing them to the hallway. She realized that the blur was Jake and that he was getting everyone out of harm's way. That led her to the conclusion that the figure in blue could be only one person; Jesse. She didn't know why he looked the way he did, but she somehow knew that he could help. She used her robotic eye to project a bull’s eye onto the wall where the iScrap was hiding. She also saw out of her peripheral vision that Christy was back on her feet in the hallway. She then saw Jake throw his bowling ball at Mylinh. Just before it reached her, it changed into a giant mirror. Mylinh was entranced by her own reflection and stared into the mirror for a moment. Then her floatiness began to destabilize and she began to fall from the air. The purple glow disappeared and was replaced by a fierce red glow. Just then, Jaccie's systems shut down to conserve her energy and she could no longer see what was happening.
What was happening was that Christy had turned Jake's bowling ball into a mirror and now Mylinh was distracted and her losing her floatiness. Jesse noticed what was happening. He looked at the wall where Jaccie had been projecting her bull’s eye. He noticed the cable on the ground, almost entirely severed. Realizing what he had to do, he brought his weapon across both the cable and the wall in one swift upward motion. This cut the cable and destroyed the hidden iScrap.
Immediately, everyone outside in the hallway woke up. So did Jaccie. They all stood and looked around themselves, trying to figure out what happened. They all looked at the figure clad in blue at the back of the room. He was holding a racquetball racquet, but it was glowing red. They realized that it must be the mystical Lightracquet that Jesse had spoken of. The figure in blue deactivated his racquet. When he did, the blue armor that had been covering him disappeared. Standing in his place was Jesse.
At that moment, Mylinh woke up. "Hey, what's going on?"
**Later, in the meeting room, since there is no longer a situation which means that no one is in the situation room but in the meeting room instead**
"So then I beat Jake and won the Lightracquet. When we got back to the base, we discovered that no one was anywhere to be found, so we started looKing for y'all," Jesse was explaining.
"Yeah," continued Jake, "And then we found you all getting your asses kicked by Mylinh."
Jesse added, "But we figured that Mylinh would never do that, so we assumed she was being possessed. So I ignited my Lightracquet to help save you guys while Jake got you all out of Mylinh's dorm. I didn't know, though, that the Lightracquet would choose me."
"Choose you," King Matt asked, "What do you mean 'choose' you?"
"Well," Jesse explained, "Legend says that when the Master of the Racquetball comes into possession of the Mystical Lightracquet, he will be transformed into the ultimate racquetball hero, the Racqueteer! I always thought it was just a myth, but apparently it's true. Which means that I'm the Master of the Racquetball, which is awesome."
Jaccie said, "So that means that when you had all that blue armor on, you were the Racqueteer?"
"Yeah," said Jesse. "Isn't that kewl? That armor is made of what's called Cosmic Rubber. It can deflect any attack."
"Oh," Christy said, "that explains why you didn't freeze when Brinn froze everyone else."
"Um, I didn't do that. Mylinh did," answered Brinn. "I saw it in her mind just before she broke free of my distractions. She was able to access www.freewebs.com/dorkdomleague and learn about everyone's powers and how to emulate them. I guess that since no one knew about Sarah Kay's pyrokinesis, including Sarah Kay, neither did Mylinh."
"Oh, that explains why she wasn't expecting me to use fire on the iScrap cable," said Sarah Kay.
"Yes," said Jesse, "And why she had no idea about what to do about me and my Lightracquet. I wasn't frozen by her attack because like I said, my armor reflected it."
"And I wasn't affected by it," Jake continued, "because I realized what was happening and was able to run away really fast while she did it. Then I came back after she did it and got all of you out of there."
"Yah, he's sweet like that," said Christy. "So when I woke up, I told the Boys what was happening, and then Jake had an idea. Which is weird. He went and got his bowling ball and threw it at Mylinh. Then I changed it into a mirror. This distracted Mylinh because she was confused about why she was looKing at herself. It also apparently disrupted the hypnosis signal by sending it bouncing off the mirror and backwards through Mylinh, which broke the contact that the iScrap had with her."
"And then I hit the cable and the wall where the iScrap was with my Lightracquet and killed it. Of course, I couldn't have done it without Jaccie's ingenious bull’s eye," Jesse said. Then he and Jaccie kissed.
Everyone groaned and was all, "STOP IT!"
Then Mylinh said, "So it wasn't really my fault, see? And besides, weren't you wondering why I shot you all in the shoulder instead of killing you?"
"Come to think of it," said Jaccie, "yeah. Why didn't you kill us?"
"Because," answered Mylinh, "I was fighting the iScrap's control over me the whole time. If I hadn't been able to, you'd all be dead. Except of course for the Boys, because Jesse had his crazy armor and Jake is too fast to shoot."
Jake and Jesse smiled.
Jesse couldn't help himself. "Hey guys, why did Jake and Jesse come back just in the nick of time to save the day?"
Everyone rolled their eyes and said, "Why?"
At the same time, Jake and Jesse said, "CUZ WE'RE AWESOME!"
Then, King Matt said, "Yeah, yeah, good job. Now, I believe it is your turn to do the laundry, Boys."
Fin.